Oprah to Domestic Violence Victims: “…he will hit you again.”

Innocent Chia
R’n’B Hollywood celebrities, Rihanna and boyfriend Chris Brown, managed in the worst possible PR blitz to publicize the perennial issue of domestic violence that haunts millions of Americans and many more globally. The TMZ-released battered image of the otherwise scintillating Barbados-born songwriter, singer and performer Rihanna sent shockwaves across airwaves into living rooms throughout the land. With percolating details of the abuse, it has become clear that her boyfriend Chris Brown is responsible for the near-disfigurement because she may have confronted him regarding an affair with another woman (Tina Davis) 20 years older. In the meantime, the surrounding media frenzy has set up the stage for the public lynching of Chris Brown to serve as a warning to every batterer out there that their behavior is no longer tolerated. But what about those marital vows – for better for worse till death do us part?

There is unanimity among victims of domestic violence that a reminiscing of the “good old times” accounts a great deal for why they keep on enduring the abuse. Better than no one else, they think, they know just how good this man can be. Robin Givens, the ex-wife of world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, had experienced his professed great love for her. She knew of his potential like Rihanna knows about Chris Brown.
Part of the spouse’s appeal may have been a big heart. They have seen their men show unflagging love for their kids. The abused woman has seen the spouse toil for long hours and work on their days off to feed the family, afford a family vacation and pay tuition. Yet, they have also seen this man recoil in the agony of his own tears and apologize profusely for slapping, kicking or punching the spouse. So, how do you forget all of that love and kick this “great love” to the curb at the first sign of trouble?

This is the dilemma that many a spouse face. It is an overbearing feeling of guilt associated with abandoning the abusing spouse during the tough times, and “Americans are not quitters…” Also, some spouses take their matrimonial vows seriously - seriously enough to consider the abuse as part, albeit unwelcome even at the doormat, of the tribulation that comes with the package. However, while the media and other organizations against spousal abuse may suggest that these traditionalists are part responsible for the persisting “family secret”, there is reason to believe that their upholding of the old Biblical teaching is not an endorsement of abuse either.

My preferred Biblical text on the matter, the same from which media mogul Oprah Winfrey gleaned in proffering advice to Rihanna and Chris Brown and others in like situation, is 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. ⁽⁴⁾Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁽⁵⁾It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁽⁶⁾Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁽⁷⁾It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

It is tough out there, no doubt. And the statistics speak volumes about the extent of the problem and of the many brave and loving spouses that have been victimized. In the United States alone, five million women are victims of violence in their relationships. As a matter of fact, domestic violence is the premier cause of injury in US women between the ages of 15 to 44. Even more disturbing is the fact that one out of every four women is a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime. That puts the figure at a staggering 25 percent of US women that experience abuse at the hands of their partners.
Armed with such numbers, society has aggressively sought to know why this dehumanizing behavior? Psychologists and behavioral scientists have dug deep and offered answers. It has been established that the violence and abuse come from a need to control, intimidate and coerce.  Another fact is that there is a preponderance of men committing the offence of hitting the women in their lives.

The question that has found little common ground is what to do with the perpetrator. What form of punishment does the batterer deserve? Better yet, should the courts or society stop the couple from coming together if that is their desire? The Rihanna vs. Chris Brown melodrama has provided a little of all to consider.

In his contrition Chris Brown is seeking for professional help and Rihanna thinks that he is worth saving. I know for sure that many more homes than are reported in middle-America make the same difficult choices constantly. Many more of these loving mothers and wives decide to stay and preserve their marriages. Some may call the resolve as throwing in the towel and letting the man get his way. Others go a step further to blame the Biblical teaching that commands the woman to be submissive. But they forget that even as the woman is called upon to be submissive, the man is equally called upon to love his wife just as much as Christ loved the Church and died for it.

The way we individually resolve conflict in our domicile is something that will be hard to enforce. This is so for several reasons: Some spouses will never report the crime, and some copycat children may do same. In some cultures there are spouses who see abuse as evidence of spousal love. This is the case, I was once told, in the Bassa ethnic group in Cameroon. Also, the prevalence is indicative of just how many men out there are not guilty of the same crime. I had mentioned earlier that I would be surprised if the numbers are not higher than what victims are reporting. If so, pundits are not saying whether there will be a recycling of men so that the good ones can go around the many women that will be divorced as per Hollywood’s recommendation.

Maybe the recycling has started already. The tabloids and mainstream media cover the minutest details of celebrities and are jolly keeping their audience informed on the reckless lifestyles of single Stars; the juicy dirty linen of married couples; the waiting lists of divorcees… The storyline is always so simple – Y who was dating / married to X is now hopping with Z. There is no shame, no remorse for the hurt that is left behind or that which will be impugned. The institution of marriage has no sanctity.      

Yes, the lack of respect for the institution of marriage may explain why there is little respect for the individuals that are part of it. If we respected it, revered it and came to it not lightly but lovingly and prayerfully, the media would gain new appreciation for what Tina Turner endured with Ike Turner, or the brutality that led to the death of Nicole Brown Simpson, the wife of disgraced NFL star O.J Simpson.

Finally, Hollywood has also failed woefully to understand that these women find a reason to stay married – most because of their children. This is counter-Hollywood and its culture of looking for the next great love the minute a couple hits a speed bump. Media professionals and other socialites, some in search of their own marital bliss, are the first to counsel that if your spouse as much as blows the wind in your direction you must pack and leave. Well, it is more complicated for some than that. Hollywood needs strong icons, from every race, who can write insider survival narratives of batterers that changed and became better husbands / wives.

This I know: I do not tolerate any spousal abuse, especially when it involves hitting a woman. My strong and loving mother, of blessed memory, never endured any violence from my father that I know of. I will not hit my wife and will not tolerate anyone beating on my sisters or daughters. I would fly across the ocean, if I had the means, to protect my sister from her abuser. Thank God my brothers and I can sleep worry-free knowing that my sisters have husbands and not abusers. Abusers or batterers need to know that their victim has some kind of protection, and the law comes through to some abusers as an abstract entity. What about you? What would you do if someone you care about is abused? Under what conditions will you abuse your spouse or anyone else? Will you stand by and watch your friend or parent batter their wife or your mother? Please, share your thoughts. Keeping quiet is as good shrugging your shoulders and saying that it is none of your business. It could be your sister or your child. What would you want me to do - Shrug it off or come to her rescue?
 

Comments

[fritz]

That is an excellent piece. Well written! Hope a few men who are on the edges and want a reason not to engage in battering have the opportunity to read this! No way. No time.

[Julia Gham]

This is great Mr. Chia. Also, Men especially abusive men are yet to realise submissiveness of their loving partners is an understanding, it is earned. Respects given, is respect due because wives are to be mothered not murdered. Men who honour their mothers do not abuse their wives are a replica for the love and care offered them by their mums and that is submissive."Look into her eyes, think you are about to abuse your mother, you will act responsibly".
Julia Gham.

[FOINTAMA BEIZIA CHE]

Way to go bro ,I belive especially here in African it is a problem millions of women cope with everyday.It is regarded as normal in some circles.However I usually propose for couples to try to change sides ,walk a short distance in each others shoes....there would be a change in attitude.
Fointama Beizia Che

[Sesseku Arrey.]

Such a Bully way of living with a partner is out-dated. Dialogue should be the solution to any marital problem not violence. I will not tolerate any man beating any of my sisters neither will i even thought of laying hands on my wife.
It's so dis-hearthening for a man beating his delicate and fragile wife.

[oyez]

One of the problems that even educated women have about wife abuse is that the sense of shame that accompanies it. They are often too ashamed to report it. My sister's husband abused her, and I had to learn about it from 3rd parties because as a strong person, she was too ashamed to admit the problem!